Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
