My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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