Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
