I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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