Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
