We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
