You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
