I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
