If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
im calling her cock vulture from now on
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
