Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
