Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Randomize
