I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
