I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
