My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
You ate ashes out of my bong
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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