You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
