He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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