What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
