i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Randomize
