I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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