Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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