If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My bed smells like the plague
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
