Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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