i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
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