remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
