I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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