My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
