Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
