im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
