Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
