She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
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