i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
