I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Randomize
