I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
