I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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