You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
