It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize