id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
