Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
