it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
