I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
organizing the empties. That sober.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
