someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
