Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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