I puked a lego.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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