he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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