is your mom at the bar?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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