im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
