i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
