the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
