dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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