I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
