True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
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