I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
