I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
